DUTCH WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT
“Do you speak Dutch?” is usually the first question I am asked when I am back in England (invariably visiting family), and someone finds out I live in The Netherlands. The answer is “yes, I do. But with a very English accent”. The title of a book about my life here could be ‘Dutch, but with a very English accent’. I am still very English (according to my Dutch husband), even though I have lived here in The Netherlands for 25 years. But I am also Dutch in many ways (according to my English mum). Actually I think I am something in between. Dunglish? Engdu? Dutchish?
I came to The Netherlands for my first husband’s job. Our plan was to move to The Netherlands (with our 3-year-old daughter) for 2 years, and then to return to England, by which time she would be 5 and beginning school, and I would return to work. Since I have been here for 25 years, you already know that isn’t what happened. 2 years turned into 5 turned into 7 turned into 9 …. After 14 years in The Netherlands we divorced, but we both remained here – me for our daughter, he for work and a new partner. Our daughter was educated entirely in The Netherlands, from 4 to 18, at the International School in Eindhoven, taking the International Baccalaureate in her last year and then attending Leiden University. She is completely bi-lingual; when she speaks English, she sounds native and when she speaks Dutch, she sounds native. She has no memory of living in the UK. She is very Dutch, but she is very English – a third culture kid; straddling both the culture of her parents and of her adopted country. She took Dutch nationality during Brexit because her British nationality meant she would have had to pay the same university fees as a student from outside the EU. Stupid, stupid Brexit – but that is a whole other conversation (or perhaps rant)!
My second husband is Dutch, so one side of my family is Dutch, including two stepdaughters, their partners and three step-grandchildren. My daughter is also married to a Dutch guy. My ex-husband has a Dutch partner. We have done a very good job at integrating I feel! The Netherlands is my home. England is where I come from. Both have a piece of my heart.
But it has been a rocky road getting to this point. When I arrived with a three-year-old and a husband who travelled two to three weeks out of every four (I felt like a single parent, but with no money problems) I was, after the initial high of moving wore off, unhappy in many ways. I had left my friends and my family, and no longer had any kind of support network. I couldn’t speak Dutch, and this was before the days of Google Translate, so I spent of lot of time guessing what things meant. During my first grocery shopping trip to the Albert Heijn, I bought ‘karne melk’, confident that it was the semi-skimmed milk I needed in my tea. It was not. It curdled as it hit the hot tea – I had learned the Dutch word for buttermilk! It was also before the advent of navigation systems. I (and every other parent I knew) had maps in the backs of their cars for Eindhoven and all the surrounding villages and towns. Information about activities to do with children, restaurants, cafes, the education system, the health system, getting your driving license changed and anything else you can think of came via word of mouth. Or through a lot of time spent in a queue in the Stadhuis, trying to figure out what the hell an uitreksel was – I’m still not completely sure. There were very few expats’ groups twenty-five years ago (The International Women’s Club was one of the only, together with Mums & Toddlers), or help for expats to settle. It makes me very happy that there is now more support for internationals in the city, and more groups and clubs. One of the hardest things for me was driving on the other side of the road. I had an English car, so I couldn’t properly see at junctions because the seat was on a different side to Dutch cars. Going around roundabouts (the wrong way for me) caused me a mini nervous breakdown every time I had to do it.
Christmas did not appear in the shops until firmly after Sinterklaas. And what the hell with Sinterklaas! I had no warning via social media that it was a thing. I almost screamed the first time I saw a Zwarte Piet. It was really shocking to me, and I expected a social worker to appear every time I saw one, to take all the adults away for corrupting young children. Halloween was not a thing and there were no decorations. Cute stuff for children’s parties did not exist. You had to make do with what was in the Hema (which was definitely not up the standard it is today), and the only birthday cakes available (unless you made one yourself) were of the Dutch cream cake variety. I, and all my friends, used to have party decorations sent from their home countries. Remember there was no online shopping twenty-five years ago.
Carnaval was a total mystery. Carnival in Rio? Yes – totally get it. It’s warm – go ahead and shake your booty with very few clothes on. Carnival in The Netherlands in February or March? Are you freakin’ kidding me? The kids getting dressed up was cute, but the adults dressing up and drinking copious amounts of beer outside in the freezing cold was a total mystery (actually, in many ways it still is). I learned later that to anyone in The Netherlands living above the ‘grote rivieren’ it is also a mystery. Koningsdag (or acutally Koninginnedag as it was for most of my time here) – I get that, some national pride is great to see, but again with the dressing up and the lots of beer!
Then there was the Dutch inability to queue, grey skies, flat landscapes and the famous Dutch directness. My first year here I made my very kind landlady mince pies for Christmas. Days later I asked her about them. She said “oh they were horrible! I threw them away”. I was speechless. Six months in I started to get depressed. Day to day life felt difficult and I started to run out of energy. I wanted to go back to work but couldn’t because my husband couldn’t cover any childcare and jobs for non-Dutch speakers (unless you were a knowledge worker) were rare. I started to lose myself. It was not a good time. But then my friends. If you don’t have your old support network nearby, you need to find a new one. And being the mother of a small child meant I met lots of other parents every day at nursery school drop off and pick up. Some of them became my friends. One of them is still my best friend. Being in the same situation as internationals in a foreign country led to quick bonding and lots of mutual support, whether it was a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with or grabbing your child for you at school home time because you’re running late. Importantly you also have someone who knows how it feels to be in your situation Finding my tribe was a god send.
Slowly, slowly things began to change. I started to enjoy aspects of living in The Netherlands. The beautiful cities. The price and abundance of flowers. The family-focused life/work balance of the Dutch. Meeting so many people from other countries. My daughter having an international education (this was and remains the biggest plus for me). Learning a new language. Bringing my daughter up in a culture that believes in being open with their children. I went back to education, and gained my Bachelor (hons) in English Literature. I realized that I had started to fall slowly in love with Eindhoven. I started to appreciate the skills and character traits I had gained and strengthened through my experiences of living in The Netherlands; resilience, strength of character, an ability to find humour in the most difficult of situations, natural warmth and friendliness, tenacity. I learned a lot about myself. Good and bad.
Twenty-five years on, and I now consider myself lucky to live as an international in The Netherlands. Due to economic and political reasons, I would not want to live in the UK. Due to my own second marriage and my daughter’s marriage, I am able to be both in an international environment and a Dutch one. The best of both worlds. Life has happened, but I don’t think it would have made the big things any easier had I been living in the UK. Divorce is awful wherever you live, starting over is challenging wherever you live, forming a blended family is difficult wherever you live. I may not have taken many of the positive steps I have if I had not gained the confidence of finding my feet in a new country – becoming an ESL teacher, changing career to become a coach/counsellor, joining a band, driving across Europe on my own, improving my own emotional and mental health.
There have been losses and gains, as with everything in life. Many of the gains I have discussed above. My biggest is still my daughter’s broad education with students from all over the world, and the academic opportunity of gaining an International Baccalaureate. I could not have given her that if I had stayed in England. Probably the biggest loss has been the distance between myself and my mother. There have been times for both of us (usually in crises) when living closer to each other would have been much easier. But, all things considered, I love my Dutch life with an English accent.
So, what have I learned during my 25 years living as an international in The Netherlands? For what it’s worth, my advice to any international person living overseas would be:
*FIND YOUR TRIBE: whether it’s work colleagues, fellow students, parents in the playground, someone you meet at an event…find people to cry with and laugh with.
*BE OPEN TO NEW FRIENDSHIPS & CONNECTIONS: leaving friends behind is hard, but making new friendships can be rewarding in so many ways.
*ACKNOWLEDGE & GIVE SPACE TO ANY NEGATIVE EMOTIONS: pushing away negative feelings is understandable, but try to acknowledge them, and give yourself space to work through them.
*FIND THINGS TO APPRECIATE ABOUT YOUR NEW COUNTRY: even the small things can bring some joy, or at least a smile.
*KNOW WHAT A GOOD JOB YOU ARE DOING: moving to a new country is hard, so give yourself a pat on the back.
*EMBRACE THE CHANGES YOUR NEW LIFE IS CREATING IN YOU: we change constantly as people, and such a major life experience as moving to a new country will bring many changes – new skills, attitudes, aptitudes and internal resources.
*GET HELP IF YOU NEED SUPPORT: life is sometimes tough, and it can get tougher when you are trying to create your life in a new country. If you need support don’t be afraid to say it, and don’t be afraid to find a professional to help you.
* BE PATIENT: it takes time to build a new life.
*LIMIT NEGATIVE SPEAK: sometimes we all need to vent or have a good moan. And living in a new country is often frustrating. But remember, our thoughts affect our mood, so be mindful and try to make moaning an indulgence rather than a habit.
*EXPLORE: you have a whole new country and culture to explore. Off you go!
Tracy Lamers Parke