Blend until smooth

BLEND UNTIL SMOOTH

Some thoughts on forming a blended family

I am a member of two blended families. One my mother and stepfather created with their children, and one my husband and I created with our children.

I was 16 when my mother and stepfather got together.  I liked my stepfather until he moved in with us (I was the only child living with them).  Then I didn’t like him anymore for quite some time.  The feeling was very mutual.  That was 39 years ago.  I now love my stepfather enormously, and he me.  We respect one another, enjoy each other’s company and share a rather dark sense of humour. He is an outstanding grandfather to my daughter.  I can’t imagine my life without him.  But those 39 years have sometimes been difficult and painful, particularly at the beginning.

My husband and I met in 2018. We moved in with each other in 2019 and got married that year too. Due to unforeseen circumstances, I not only moved in with him and my youngest stepdaughter (19), but also with the oldest one (23) and her almost 5-month-old baby. On one hand I was very in love with my husband, and our relationship was moving to a deeper phase.  On the other hand, it was awful.  I wasn’t happy, my husband wasn’t happy, my two stepdaughters weren’t happy, and my daughter (20) was pissed off that I was unhappy. There was constant conflict.  Only the dog and the baby were happy.

Almost 7 years later my relationship with my youngest stepdaughter is good, and for her I am her daughter’s grandparent.  My relationship with my oldest stepdaughter is as good as it can be – she has some limitations which make it difficult for both of us.  My relationship with her son (previously the 5-month-old, now 7) is okay.  My daughter has a good relationship with her stepfather. The three girls stay in touch through a family What’s App group and see each other together a few times a year, as geography allows. But those almost 7 years have been difficult and painful, for everyone.

When two partners form a blended family, they bring into it the culture of their previous family.  It is almost certain that their parenting styles are different. How they communicate with each other, and as a family is different. How they celebrate is different. Family traditions are different.  Expectations of each family member are different. And if you have two partners from different cultures as my husband and I do (Dutch and English respectively), it adds a whole new dimension to all the ‘differentness’.

In September 2022 dutchnews.nl reported that 67% of couples in blended families split up within 5 years, with the children of both partners being one of the main reasons for the split.  A quick look on Google bears this out, with many sources citing very similar statistics.  I am not surprised. As a parent of a child and then a teenager I was fair and fun (I hope), but I also had very definite boundaries, and sometimes I was strict. Sometimes my daughter didn’t like me, and I was okay with that.  I now have an excellent relationship with my now grown-up child, one that is characterized by mutual respect.  My husband was also a fun and fair parent I think, but he had very few boundaries and was not strict.  I have heard from him that his children’s mother was by far the stricter parent.  His relationship with his children is excellent, but he very rarely says no to them, and their respect is not a priority for him.

The top reason for any conflict he and I have is about the children, almost always his children.  This started even before we were living together, but intensified when we started to do so.  I experienced his children as spoilt and rude, with no respect.  He thought I was being too strict and sometimes unreasonable.  He was in the middle.  He wanted his children to like him so let most (what I saw as) bad behaviour go, whilst still wanting us to be okay.  It was very hard for him, but he put himself in that position.  My daughter has never lived with her stepfather.  She had left home before we met, and was living her own, very independent life, in the west of the country, so there was no conflict between the two of them.  I am certain that, had they lived together, there would have been conflict, and I would have been the one who put myself in the middle.

My mother put my stepfather before her children.  My husband put his children before his partner.   Which one is right?  Neither in my opinion.  There is no right or wrong, there is only what works for you as a couple, trying to navigate the minefield of a blended family. Though sometimes difficult, try not to play the blame game.  It is not the two of you against one another, it is the two of you against the problem, trying to find a solution.  I would say the key, as to most things in a relationship, is communication. Communicate how you feel but try to do it in a non-confrontational way. Look up ‘non-violent communication’ or NVC on the internet. It is very helpful.  Do not however try to communicate immediately after yet another argument with your stepchildren.  It is hard to hear criticism of your children from someone else for both of you.  If at all possible, view your partner’s words as the way they feel in that moment, not as the absolute truth.

There are a few things that I found helpful.  Don’t take anything your stepchildren do or say personally.  You could be anybody their parent chose to make a new life with.  Their anger, bad behaviour, rudeness and so on is almost certainly about the situation, not about you as an individual.  Take time out – go away for a weekend just the two of you if you have the funds.  Go out for dinner, for lunch, for coffee, for a walk.  Enjoy each other’s company.  Remember your relationship, how you feel about one another, is the reason you want to make a blended family. Your priority should be to keep it intact.  Although I found this one very hard, try to remember that you are the adult.  Even though my stepchildren where not really children, in the bigger picture I was the grown-up.  So let some things slide and pick your battles. This is a biggie – you should not, in my opinion, ban your children from your and your partner’s house.  No matter what you feel, they are your partner’s children, and it is also your partner’s home.  If you really can’t stand it, don’t be there when they are around. I know someone in a blended family who refused to allow one of their stepchildren into the house. Many years later it remains an unhealed wound.  And finally, compromise.  Don’t be who you are not, but equally don’t take the stance of ‘I will not …’. Rather ask ‘how can we …?’.

Tracy Lamers Parke

September 2024